Australian Concert Bands

There are two people walking down the street. One is a musician. The other one doesn't have any money either!!!

and

"Beethoven had an ear for music."
-- anonymous

and also some definitions for you:

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

ritard: there's one in every family.

cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1. Major interval: a long time.
2. Minor interval: a few bars.
3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again

and lastly orchestra personnel standards:

conductor

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

concertmaster

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

oboist

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
trumpet player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

bassoonist

Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.

manager

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.

flute player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.

Unfortunately i didn't make any of these up but got them from a great website :http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/