Australian Concert Bands

Heres something that was emailed to me by forum members Hornist and Downunderdrummer. And one of them is a conductor!!!!!

Enjoy!

The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player!)
* Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
* When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
* Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor's under pressure.
* Look the other way, just before cues.
* Never have the proper mute or any valve oil. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
* Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.
* Fiddle with your slides as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions.
* Brass players, drop mutes. Percussion players have a wide variety of droppable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best as they roll around for several seconds.
* Loudly blow water from keys during the pauses. (Baritone, euphonium and horn players are trained to do this from birth).
* Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part).
* At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
* Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
* Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
* Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
* Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Dyke recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
* When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything – make him wonder.
* If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage, just before the concert.
* Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
* During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from something really important.
*It's time that players reminded conductors of the facts of life. Just who do conductors think they are, anyway?